News
- What is Yahoo, some kind of Perv?
- Poor guy has really bad luck, loses two brothers in one week
- CNN reports suspect arrested in Boston Marathon bombing — nation waiting to find out what Justin Bieber thinks
- This is why kids should keep their hands out of the cookie jar
- New generation of condoms needed to prevent new generations of people
- We’re running out of places to vacation
You can't take a cruise, you can't go camping in India. What's left? Maybe Syria is lovely this time of year.
- Why are people upset? It’s just a video game
- At least she has a contract
Unlike Natalie Gulbis, most people have Malaria on a freelance basis. There's no health insurance that way.
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- Obama signs Violence Against Women Act*
*not applicable to women killed by drones in Pakistan
- Leading candidate for the next Nobel Peace Prize
Where will we hang the medal?
- Fear of cooties takes another life
A proper supply of circle, circle, dot, dot might have prevented this tragedy.
- Not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
- Not only that, but you have to assemble them yourself
IKEA meatballs made of horse meat. Allen wrench included.
- Bet you can’t stab just one
- Maybe the F-35 jets should have thought about the consequences of ignoring curfew
According to officials, the F-35 jets aren't allowed to play with their iPod touch for a week.
- Maybe he thought there was a burglar in his bathroom
- OUTRAGE! Tweet important news like that!
- This might not be Dr. Drew’s fault
- Updated list of most dangerous jobs
Based on number of fatalities in the U.S.
3. Logger
2. Fisherman
- How was he supposed to know bringing guns onto planes was frowned upon?
- We’re all so hungry we could eat a horse
- For the sake of clarity, the new company will be called Max Depot
- Inflation, illustrated
2013: $396 billion
1973
- Hermione Granger advised to stay out of Papua New Guinea
- If only she were missing her legs instead, she could run in the Olympics and shoot people
- Five minutes later, the aisle flowed with human waste
- Global Warming claims more victims
- They’ve already removed his statue from Penn State’s campus
Analysis
- I’m starting to think my friends who keep telling me I just must go on a cruise really don’t like me
These are the same friends who tell me Syria is lovely this time of year.
- This seems a little harsh
Even the Pope should respect a person's private life. And those two aren't even pointing at the same guy.
- Note to the producers of Oz The Great and Powerful
Dorothy was just dreaming.
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- Wrangler: You have a fat ass and we’re okay with that
- Evidence of economic recovery
Photo taken 3/3/2013. Borders went out of business when?
- A real solution for the whole sequester thing
I don't understand all of this sequester hullabaloo, but I do know that if anyone can solve it, it's Quincy.
- Whew!
What a relief to find out that this caption is referring to Ricky Schroder's daughter. You never know.
- A mime in a coffin can’t help you
CNN has video of airplanes fighting the wind.
The planes could use advice from this guy. Unfortunately, he's stuck in a box at the moment.
Analysis
- Is there anyone in this family who hasn’t killed someone?
- A gluten for punishment
Too many choices.
- I don’t buy it
Jodi Arias, I sometimes forget stabbing someone 26 times. But 27? Never.
To be fair, though, I have an excellent memory.
- For those who prefer their cereal to have a little crunch
- Soon you can dress like a postal worker!
This should be a big seller. Teens these days want to be associated with something cutting edge. And nothing says "cutting edge" like a clothing line by the United States Postal Service.
Warning: Clothing not to be worn on Saturdays, nor federal holidays, nor when there is snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night.
- At least your buffet didn’t run out of food, Burmese asylum-seekers
People from Burma, it could have been far worse. You could have been on the Triumph "cruise from hell" and had to pee in plastic bags and then only be offered $500 in compensation.
- Beard party!
It's possible that's not what Argo is about, but we can hope.
- The perfect candidate for a fake girlfriend
Community rallies around star player after mother's death from stroke.
Opinion
- I could really use a breadbox that’s bigger than a breadbox
- “Earl Grey, hot” again?
Captain Picard might have liked other kinds of tea if he had given them a chance.
- Easy answer to question about Justin Bieber
Yes. He's a douchebag.
- Yoda would be the worst little league coach
Hey, lighten up, man. It's just a game. Even good major league players only get a hit 3 out of every 10 tries.
- Weather forecasters should just admit it
"We don't have any idea what we're doing. The computer models spit out some data and we just guess at what it means. We don't know if it's going to rain, or snow, or miss you entirely. But we have very cool graphics and can tell you the same non-information six different ways. Also, we're usually attractive and have toned arms that look good on television when we wear sleeveless outfits, which is always, unless we're a man."
- Speed of life may vary
- Batman needs to hit the gym
- Never bet against Steve Guttenberg
The AP reports heavy fighting over police academy.
My money's on Eugene Tackleberry and Bubba Smith.
- Sally Field should have won
You have any idea how hard it is changing out of a wedding dress in a moving Trans-Am?
- Are the Academy Awards sexist?
Why have separate categories for male and female actors? I understand why men and women don't compete against each other in the hundred-yard dash or boxing, but why are they separated in acting? If you win the Best Actress Oscar, does it mean that you did a pretty good job of acting, for a broad?
- It’s like we learned nothing at all from The Matrix, The Terminator, and every science fiction story ever written
"Such drone swarms will likely use advanced forms of today's artificial intelligence programs to coordinate their missions without precise human control..." - Facebook, stop hitting on me
- I agree with Oscar Pistorius
I hate when burglars break into my home in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. They always leave the seat up! It makes me so mad, sometimes I start shooting right through the door.
- A natural disaster you don’t want
A ketchup tsunami would be tragic and take many lives. But mostly because of the high sodium content. Also, the laundry bill would be enormous.
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- R-E-S-P-E-C-T
"With all due respect" is usually followed by something disrespectful.
- Academy Award contender I would vote for
They should combine Argo and Lincoln and make it a time travel story about Ben Affleck using the elaborate ruse of a fake theater production in an effort to prevent the assassination of our 16th President. Affleck's beard could play a prominent role in the plot. He might wear a Lincoln hat as part of the deception.
- You might not know this
The Internet has a lot of things on it.
- You’re welcome
Advice: Don't eat a double portion of chicken with broccoli and a triple portion of pork lo mein and then play full-court basketball an hour later.
- Second guesses are good, but not the best
Why do people always complain about second-guessing? Second guesses are often more accurate than first guesses. And third guesses are even better. Fourth guesses are usually the best, though. Especially if it's a multiple-choice question. By then you've eliminated all the wrong answers.